I miss my home. I didn’t think I could ever be this homesick, but after the long conversation I had with my mother today all I could think about was home. I know a lot of people at home do not want to see me or even talk to me right now because of a lot, but I want to see my family. I need to see my sister, my parents, and my dog. I need to see them to remind myself why I am doing this.  I know it is to better my future, but I need to be reminded that this is right. That this is what I need, right now it doesn’t feel like it. Not only do I miss my family and miss my house, but I feel a void in my chest. I need to know my friends are still here, but I know most of them aren’t… I just don’t know who I can trust again. I fell in love and no one understands and they all seem to have pushed me away over it. I’m scared to talk to half of them because I feel like they don’t care to even try. I’ve been trying to be a bigger person, but I don’t know if I can stay strong anymore.  I am letting them go and it hurts. I truly have found someone who makes me happy and if they can’t get over things I just don’t know how I can stay happy with them in my life. My parents have gotten over a lot and accepted the fact that I’m actually happy and to see that the people I thought were friends can’t makes me ache.  

To me this doesn’t seem weird, but to others it might. The part of me that is the most homesick is that I can’t see the one I love all that often.  I really do feel home with him and I want to just up and go to him, but I know I can’t.  He is my rock and always makes me happy even when we get into a tiff.  He is truly the best thing to ever happen to me and I’m not going to let him go. I don’t think I ever could if he even wanted me to, but I don’t think that is going to happen. Well, as long as I don’t screw up. Like I always do. 

I just need to get away for a week or two from here. School and work are becoming too overwhelming.  I need to go home for a bit and see my family. In a way be reminded of why I left. I need to go be with the greatest man in the world. I need to see the few people who still care about me and don’t judge me. I just need an out for a bit. I can’t wait until May/June when all of this craziness dies down. I can’t wait to be out for almost a week in June. I want to fast forward time.

But then again I don’t because I don’t want to leave just yet. I can honestly say I have met some of the greatest friends down here and I know I won’t forget them.  Most of them I feel will still be around for a long time after we leave.  I’ll be doing everything I can to try to keep some of them. Some have helped me through some tough shit, while others I know are just here “for the summer”.  

This torn confusion within me is killing me. I need to figure it out, but as long as I have school and 50 hour work weeks and no time to go see the people I care about its just going to get worse.  At this point I just have to deal with it.  It is time to put on my big girl panties and be strong. I’m going to try not to let this bother me, but I just needed to get it out.  

End rant.